Diana After It All
by nell klly
Summary: 2 months has passed since the FAYZ, 2 months has passed without Cain. How will she cope with new surroundings? will she ever move on?
1. My new life

**Diana After It All**

I run towards the crowd of people, I barge my way through, but Edilio held me back, bright light appears from all directions.

Cain's ashes fall to the ground

I break away from Edilio's grasp as I kneel at Cain's remains, tears fall from my face to the pile of ash.

I sit up from my pool of sweat and try to control my breathing, the dream gets more realistic every time. I get of bed and wash my face.

It had been two months since the Fayz wall came down; I had been living with Sam and Astrid, having Chinese takeaways; embracing never having to be hungry again.

But there was just one thing that was missing for me to feel content,

Cain.

I creep downstairs hoping not to wake them, they must be real tired from what I heard last night!

As I enter the kitchen I make myself a cold glass of water.

"Todays the day."

In memory to all the kids that died in the fayz, they would have a memorial service, and today was the day I was going to ask them to have one for Cain. I knew what they were going to say, but I just thought it would be good to try. I would be the only one at his grave but that was all he would've wanted. I looked at the clock, seven AM.

I have half an hour to get dressed, I entered my bedroom and glanced at the letter, I shouldn't read it, I can't start the day with runny mascara, (like most days), I pulled on some jeans and a T-shirt, I hated Autumn, the season where you wear the clothes you never really liked.

I hear a car horn beep as I'm just about to grab my phone, cab's here. I rush outside and into the cab, it's now or never.

The receptionist calls me in, I enter the room sheepishly like a dopey little girl, "man up Diana!" I snap at myself as I take a seat.

"Name." the woman says bluntly,

"Diana, Diana Ladris, I was one of the survivors" I felt stupid saying survivors, it sounded like I'd been living in the jungle half my life!

"Name of who is no longer with us."

I felt like I was in church. Right here's the hard part…

"Um, well, Cain Soren." Their eyes darted towards me like I had given them a death threat. I gulped. "I know he was a bad person but shouldn't everyone be treated with respect. I mean he was the one who damn saved us after all!"

Oh crap I've done again! My fury is so hard to contain at the moment! They stared at me, first in shock, then pity.

"He might've meant a lot to you but he was probably the murderer of all those dead kids."

She had gone too far, "how dare you say that about him! You don't even know what went on in the fayz let alone who killed who! If you knew what went on in the fayz, if only you knew!" I screeched, I stomped out of the building and caught a cab.

They can't just go around declaring who has the right to be mourned or not, I stared out the window in deep thought,

I wonder what Cain would've done if I were the one dead, if it was my choice I wouldn't have it any other way. That memory of Cain leaving me at the docks, tears start to fill my eyes, I try to force them back but they spill down my face, "it's so hard without you Cain!" "Why must you want a blaze of glory, your so selfish, what about me!" I whimper to him, hoping that he'd hear me whether he was floating on a cloud or burning in hell.

**TO BE CONTINUED **


	2. Lana's email

I get home and see Astrid reading on the couch and Sam is on the phone, I think he's talking to Edilio, I'm happy for him that Rodger's ok. I go upstairs to my bedroom, get changed into a purple top/nightgown and open my laptop. Checking through my emails I see Lana had just recently replied to a message I sent early this morning 2 minutes ago.

_L: hey, how did it go?_

_Me: not good, I literally blew up in front of them._

_L: I take it they said no during to your eruption._

_Me: Why can't they realise he fricking saved us all, even if he was troubled._

_L: People who didn't experience the FAYZ and think they can have an opinion on it are douchebags, want to go for a walk with Patrick tomorrow, get you out of the house stuffing your face with Chinese for a change._

_Me: I can't believe that Caine, one of the strongest bravest guys in the FAYZ dies, but a dog; called Patrick lives to bark the tale -_- but I'll go._

_L: lol great, see you then bye ;)_

I shut my laptop and flop onto my bed take 2 sleeping tablets, stare up at the ceiling and sigh. I look at my clock and its 9:45 PM. I don't feel like eating at all so I hide under my covers like a stupid 5 year old and imagine that I'm back at the island sleeping in Caine's strong, muscly arms that feel so homely .

Opening my eyes to the sunlight peering through my window like its sadistically telling me to get my ass out of bed or it will blind me. I slump out of bed and check my phone. I've got 2hrs before the walk. I'm greeted by Astrid and Sam at the table. They are both sympathetically smiling at me like they are going to tell me my goldfish died. In the awkward silence I decide to say: "Cut the crap, why are both down here sadly smiling at me like you're ready to give me a group hug?" they stop and Sam firmly says "we heard the news, how are you honestly feeling?" I look at him, for some weird reason I feel the urge to hug someone, tears fill my eyes and I feel like I can hardly control my emotion or my body. I sit down and start weeping, feeling a flush of sadness and heart break, I had never properly cried when Caine had died, I had just pushed it back, but it must've been gathering this whole time so now I'm uncontrollably sobbing with Astrid and Sam either side of me, the two of them are probably confused because the only emotion I had ever shown them was pure sass and sarcasm. Astrid takes me upstairs into the spare room, shuts the curtains and sits me on the bed. I'm a complete mess. Astrid looks up at me and lifts my chins up saying "hey, it's ok, look how about tonight we get drunk?" my mouth drops in shock. I'm so surprised with what just came out of her mouth but cannot think of anything better. I look up at her and smirk, "why, you got bored with Sam and hoping to find a new goodie two shoes at the bar?"


	3. I have feelings now?

Stones from the path pierced the thin sole of my shoe , I should have worn better footwear. Looking towards Patrick I see Lana, she stares at Patrick and says nothing, we haven't talked for a long, awkward period of time, and if she hears something like a dog step on a twig she reaches out to where her gun used to be. I guess even though it feel like it's been ages, no one has truly gotten over the FAYZ.  
"So, urm... How are you and Sanjit?" I don't particularly want to know this information, because anything to do with couples sucks. Yeah, Sanjit was nice and all but in the end they are all going to end up in ashes, like Caine.  
Lana looks at me and I realised she is alot like me. She doesn't give a crap about that kind of stuff. I smile and out of nowhere we start laughing, I realise I haven't laughed this much since...  
The hospital I guess, I never really laughed before the FAYZ, it shocked me but then again I was always the bitch with a face filled with sarcasm. It was a good feeling, I like it. This sounds so cheesy and I start feeling like a complete loser.  
I look at Lana, " I know you said you don't like it but, therapy helps. I know you are sick and tired of people telling you this and your probably going to glare at me for saying you have emotions but it's good to tell someone. I kept so much to myself in the FAYZ it feels so good to let it out even if you feel like no one will understand. That usually happens to me anyway, to be honest I think I would be a better phsciatrist." I smirk and she smiles back. For the rest of the walk we talk about everything, the good the bad. Patrick's de-worming - which wasn't the best topic.  
By the end of the walk me and Lana have gone our seperate ways and are makingour way back home I think of the bar I'm going to with Astrid, I've never seen her drunk so this will be good. Opening the door I see that Sam is out and it's just me and Astrid. She looks up from her laptop she has been typing frantically at, she has probably been doing that all day.  
"Hey how was the walk?" I look at her and smile trying to be polite, but I really don't want to start small talk, so I go upstairs and take a shower. As I work shampoo through my hair I think to myself, It would be a strange way to die I gess, but I guess that's what he wanted. The only thing I have to remember him by is that letter, I love that piece of paper, how odd it seems. But I just wish I would have something more.  
Like a grave to visit.  
But obviously, Caine needed his blaze of glory and to be cremated by our daughter.  
I smirk.  
I could spread his ashes, it's lame I know but I could even keep him. Okay too creepy. Maybe I could spread the ashes somewhere special... I literally jump out the shower and nearly land on my face. I sprint to the phone and pray that Albert will pick up.  
"Sup Diana, hows it goi-"  
"Albert listen,I was just wondering... Because, you know... You know how you were doing that work with Mcdonads etc?"  
"Urgh, yeah? Oh by the way I quit, they were trying to take out the graves while making "the scene. Why?"  
"This is going to sound really strange, but did you go where caine yunno..." My voice starts to crack and there is a silence over the line.  
"Diana I didn't sorry."  
There is a long silence and I feel like he has hung up on me...  
"Urgh, Diana I'm sorry but his ashes are probably floating in the air. Look I know it must be really important to have something of him to hold onto - metaphorically but you have to realise he's gone. Are you okay?"  
I end the phone call and cry, why did I think that would be a good idea, What a fool he must think of me, I just picked up the phone and asked the most awkward pushy question, didn't get the asnwer I was hoping and hung up. my girl emotions keep taking over me, I never used to have feelings. I miss him so much it hurts.  
He died at 15,  
we will never get married, graduate or grow old together. He died and is never coming back. I guess we could tick the baby thing off the list. I know this would be so not Caine let alone me, but I wanted to start a family with him, see him as a dad, maybe it would create a different side of him. Hot tears run down my face and all I want is for Caine to wipe them away. I am not the Diana I used to be. I walk across my bedroom and pick up the letter, reading it I smile and put it back -  
I always knew he had a soft side and I managed to get it out of him.  
But I couldn't stop him from giving himself up for Little Pete and leaving me here, without him.


End file.
